Today’s guest is Kim Hawkins. There are certain things in life we will never understand this side of heaven. In today’s episode, Kim shares the pain and betrayal of being molested as a tween by a teenage boy from the church where her family worshiped. This is so difficult on so many levels and yet Kim is here to today to share her journey of hope and healing in Christ.
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SHELLEY. Welcome back to the Broken Crayons Still Color podcast! I’m your host, Shelley Hitz and today my guest is Kim Hawkins. Welcome! Kim.
KIM. Thank you Shelley glad you had me to take this opportunity
SHELLEY. Yes, and Kim thank you so much for your courage and your willingness to share your story because I say this often that there are certain things in this life, I just believe we will never understand this side of heaven and I think your story is one of those.
In today’s episode you know Kim’s is going to share very honestly the pain and betrayal that she faced being molested as a tween but not only that it was the pain and betrayal because it happened from somebody that was from her church family, somebody she trusted and I know some of you can relate to this and so I know it will be a powerful story but it’s so difficult on so many levels and yet Kim is here today to share her journey of hope and healing in Christ. So Kim as we get started can you just share a little bit about your story and what the broken crayons looked like in your life?
KIM. The interesting thing is its kind of like once you share one thing you open up something and then all of a sudden you start to loose your fear of sharing and you realized the impact and value of it. And so I have shared something else that was painful and hard and so with this thing that you mention on one of your things in doing the book when we were listening to the chapters you mentioned about how the layers start to peel back like the onion.
KIM. And I kept digging deeper and I found that this story was kind of hard of where the hurt and healing process needed to begin because of what happened then.
KIM. So with this story you know there was a family, a single mom raising her son and she would always invite to have other kids over to spend time with her son. You know because you know to give him company to give her a break.
KIM. And at the time there were 3 kids in my family, my brother my sister myself and you know we did all kinds of things you know we set up tents and just you know kids stuff you know.
KIM. But we’re all different ages and he was a little bit older than us he was a teenager like I said I was a tween and we got to a point where there was a certain sleeping arrangement and I was like okay I didn’t know about this and you know we have our sleeping bags and everything but it was and then it got to you know the touching you know I didn’t know what to do about it.
KIM. And the reason I was afraid to tell anyone at that particular time, there was a young teenage girl in our church who have gotten pregnant and there was so much scandal around that that you know, okay she’s fast she’s this and so I didn’t want to be with that girl I didn’t want to be considered that you know I didn’t want, I didn’t do anything to bring this on to myself I wasn’t out chasing boys so.
KIM. I didn’t know where to go with it and so I buried it.
SHELLEY. You know I think so many people right now listening can completely relate to your story, you know there’s so many people have, have never even recognized that it was sexual abused or that you know it was you know something that was part of their story or never told I was like that you know I had an instances of sexual abused I never told anyone I just, I just went on and like you said I just buried it. And so what would you say was your lowest point in that season of your life?
KIM. Well, when I realized that it was a bigger issue I started of bed wetting.
SHELLEY. O wow
KIM. So, alright okay when I met my own home I’m bed wetting and of course you know its like what’s going on.
KIM. And I had younger siblings just like you know we’re all in the same bedroom and same bed you know you can pile bunch kids in bed you know. It would be blamed on the younger one because I couldn’t possibly be the one bed wetting because I’m older and older kids don’t bed wet you know you’ll pass it. And so that’s when I finally said you know okay something has to stop, so I finally got up the courage to say I didn’t want to go one time and that’s all it took you know.
KIM. And then I didn’t go and so that maybe too being away from the situation made it easier to not have to talked about it or share it with anyone so its like okay we’ll just act like that didn’t happen.
SHELLEY. Yeah, and so as an adult what would you say you know, how did you end up processing this or what is God done to really bring healing for you?
KIM. As an adult I didn’t realize how far I had buried it because I didn’t even remember what had happened until I was an adult. You know there was a group of us adult and I was in my 20’s then we’re going to go camping and they said something about you know getting our sleeping bags and our tents and also I was like whoa! Where did that come from like this flash of.
SHELLEY. O, it triggered something.
KIM. It triggered yeah, and I was like oh my goodness what happened and I’m like oh and then I started thinking and thinking and over thinking.
KIM. Yeah, so I had repressed it for a lot of years, so its amazing what comes out later and then your you know like okay now what do I do with that.
KIM. And now looking back I don’t know what would have happened if I had told, you know then but now I look for signs when I hear people say things about things that their children are doing or something these are things that other adults need to be mindful of what it could be a sign of. Coz’ I think a lot times the parents don’t even know that those things are signs like okay something’s going on but they don’t know that.
KIM. This is a significant sign of this type of activity and they don’t even know to look for it because of course they’re not expecting that that happen to their child either.
SHELLEY. Right and a lot of parents go into denial too if it is brought up but let’s say that a parent is noticing something and their thinking you know there might be something going on like when you go back to when you were tween how old were you when this was happening?
KIM. I had to be like 10 or 11.
KIM. So I wasn’t even at the cusp of you know the 13 almost a teenager you know.
SHELLEY. Yeah, so if let’s say.
KIM. Not a double digit (LOL)
SHELLEY. Yeah, let’s say your parents did kind of catch on that there might be something going on, how would you have wanted them to approach you or what would you recommend for parents like that might suspect something is going on how to approach to their child.
KIM. I know parents would always ask like if there’s something going on or if there’s something you want to talk about but I don’t always know that you are going to be that open to it.
KIM. You might be more open to tell someone else so they might have other people who kind of ask some more intuitive type of questions because sometimes I mean you too don’t want to disappoint your parents.
KIM. So you know in things like that I think you don’t know whether you cause anything at that young age, you know like okay was there something I did that I don’t know I did.
KIM. You know everybody wants to point fingers at you and you think that something has to cause something or there’s a you know cause and reaction thing when your young so your thinking okay well maybe there is something I did and I don’t know I did it.
SHELLEY. Yeah, do you think its important to teach children that at a young age that something happens to them sexual abuse of some sort that is not their fault maybe that something.
KIM. I think so, I think we put some of the shame in things.
KIM. That you know, you know you hear crazy things like don’t crash your eyes they’ll stick that way you know.
SHELLEY. Yeah (LOL)
KIM. Simple things and kids take things very literally. So if you’re, they feel like they can’t talk about these things you know they are like if they have strange feelings or something and you know they’re like oh you know like they are more embarrass about it then and I don’t know what parents can do and I don’t have kids so that’s the hard thing too you know.
KIM. I have a lot of siblings and you notice if something is different but its hard to put your finger on if you don’t know the signs but like you said a lot of people want to deny in that area that couldn’t be my child you know.
SHELLEY. Yeah, and I think one of the most important things like my sister has kids and you know she just talks about keeping the communication open so to the point where your child doesn’t shut down on you. Now let’s say you’re the person that has repressed those feelings and the pain and you know the abuse or whatever had happened from years ago and its coming to the surface again. What’s one piece of advice or encouragement that you have for someone like that?
KIM. There’s no shame in getting help.
KIM. I did go, I did. I went to a psychiatrist I had some issues going to on with depression and which I didn’t find out until later in life, my grandmother announced from her sick bed oh yeah the women in our life were all prone to melancholy that’s what they use to call it then.
SHELLEY. O wow
KIM. It wasn’t depression, it almost like.
KIM. You know had we down we could have been looking out to this signs.
KIM. Yeah that okay if these things start to happen I need to seek professional help.
KIM. And there’s no shame in that. You know we can’t handle everything all the time when God didn’t mean for us to be alone. So a lot of people have lots of stigmas in their mind about getting psychiatric help but you also don’t care about like you know that crazy house anymore either so you know people are quite an institution like they used to be in that type of thing so I think now its becoming a more accepted form of treatment if you have to go for something and for so many people they worry about being put on drugs that they will never be off of or things like that. Everybody is different and so they need to hold on to that too they may not need medication, I never needed medication.
KIM. I had a very open-minded doctor who was like you know these are your options she goes this is going to Band-Aid it for a while to where you can deal but do you want to learn your coping skills, do want to learn how to you know when these things come up because there maybe different things that triggers throughout your life.
KIM. That don’t know that you’ve held them for so long.
KIM. Yeah there’s no shame in getting help.
SHELLEY. And I completely agree like when I was at my rock bottom with my pornography addiction I told my husband I needed help, I need counselling. At first he was like resistant, he’s like Shelley what would people think you know he was in youth ministry and if people saw me walking in there and they’re having marriage problem and I was like I don’t care what other people think, I want to be free I need help and so you know there’s no shame in it.
And I received so much help, I went to Christian counselling at that time and you know everyone has a different path but I love that you say there’s no shame in reaching out getting help, talking about it and so many times we just want to hold it in and you know keep it secret and private and there’s almost like a freedom to simply talking about it and you know.
KIM. No weight off your shoulders.
SHELLEY. Yes, like I have been holding this for this many years and finally like hah you know I’ll able to let go of this. So throughout all these process I know you have so many facets to your story we could talk for hours (LOL).
KIM. Probably (LOL)
SHELLEY. But what’s one scripture that really has meant a lot to you?
KIM. One of my favorite scripture like I just mentioned there’s no shame so the scripture I love is “those who look to him are radiant, there faces were never covered with shame” and that’s Psalm 34:5.
SHELLEY. I love that, I like I got chills with you reading that just because I know someone needs to hear that today like you know they need to hear that. Just repeat that verse one more time.
KIM. “Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame.”
KIM. Psalm 34:5
SHELLEY. I love that, when we look to him we’re radiant our faces are never covered in shame the enemy wants to keep us in that shame and there is no shame in Christ He has died for our shame whatever has been done to us whatever we have done and we can give it to him, we can be free of that and we can be healed. And so I know there’s surprised of people that have connected with you through your story, is there a way they can contact you online?
KIM. Yes. My website is kimshawkins.com and I have a little tab on there that says let’s connect.
SHELLEY. Awesome. Yes, well thank you so much for sharing your story and you know this is just such a great example how God can turn our mess into a masterpiece.
KIM. Yes, absolutely I am a masterpiece.
SHELLEY. Awesome, you are and you know we are all a masterpiece when we bring our broken pieces to Jesus and allow Him to create something beautiful. Now I appreciate each one of you listening today and if you have a powerful story or you know someone that has a powerful story that could be featured on this podcast please apply at shelleyhitz.com/story. Thank you so much for being here and we will see you next time, bye!
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