Welcome back to the Broken Crayons Still Color podcast! I’m your host, Shelley Hitz and today’s guest is Patti Pendleton.
Patti knows what it’s like to end a long relationship. She was rejected, verbally abused, physically abused through intimation, and nothing she did was good enough. She realized that it wasn’t her, it was him. She has been in the healing process and has learned a valuable lesson – how to give grace to another when they utterly despise you. Now, she is learning to love herself and to release the damage that was done. She now lives in hope and will share her story in today’s podcast.
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SHELLEY. Welcome back to the Broken Crayons Still Color podcast! I’m your host, Shelley Hitz and today’s guest is Patti Pendleton. Welcome! Patti.
PATTI. Thank you. Thank you for having me.
SHELLEY. I’m just so excited to talk with you and have you share your story but I’m just going to share just a little bit of an introduction before we dive in.
Patti knows what it’s like to end a long relationship. She was rejected, verbally abused, physically abused through intimidation, and nothing she did was good enough. She realized that it wasn’t her, it was him. She has been in the healing process and has learned a valuable lesson – how to give grace to another when they utterly despise you. And now, she is learning to love herself releasing the damage that was done and lives in hope and I’m just thankful that she’s willing to share her story in today’s podcast.
So as we get started Patti, just share a little bit more about what the broken crayons looked like in this part o f your life.
PATTI. Well, I was abandoned when I was 3 years-old in a motel room and that pretty much basics for going through my whole life.
PATTI. So relationships I didn’t understand, I didn’t know what love looked like, I didn’t know how it – just to have a relationship and so each relationship I had was damaging. Each relationship I’ve had was either physical, emotional, spiritual abused.
PATTI. And so there is a pattern.
PATTI. A constant pattern, and so to fast forward it to the most recent relationship – you know we all want to be loved.
PATTI. And so go through this mindset of searching out for love and if you don’t know what love looks like or what love means – true love, you’re always going to be trying to match what you think love is.
PATTI. And in my case I didn’t realize that I was searching out for bad influence, and bad influences of love. I was wanting get people to love me because I never felt loved and in that case I was always getting myself in a bad situations and not realizing that this is not how you are supposed to be treated, this was how you are supposed to be treated because of just something must be wrong with me I must – self-infliction I would say.
SHELLEY. Yeah. And I just want to stop there for a minute coz’ I think somebody needed to hear that that you maybe in a situation that you just think this is how you are supposed to be treated. But you know you may not realize like that’s abused and that’s not the way you are to be treated and so I think that’s very insightful for you to share that you just, you thought that’s just how it was and that’s how you are supposed to be treated.
PATTI. Right. And so when someone started treating me a little bit better than my last relationship we thought okay this is better but then I started rejecting it but then I was like okay well I just dive in because this person is treating me a little bit better. Little did I know it was exactly the same pattern.
PATTI. It was mask and I didn’t to realize that I was in more like of a prison, I was put in to a mind prison and that if I didn’t do something specifically that I would be reprimanded for it. And it was a mental game and it was deteriorating me, I put up with it for 18 years.
PATTI. And I didn’t realize until something tragic happened in my life where I was really really sick and I reached out for help and I asked that person to take me to the doctor and he looked at me and he said no.
PATTI. And I stayed on the floor for 4 days and finally I said please take me to the doctor, to the hospital.
PATTI. And what happened was my gallbladder ruptured into my intestines.
SHELLEY. Oh no
PATTI. And so the doctors looked at me – I was on death’s door and it was only by the grace of God that I survived it. And at that time I thought that I was this person loves me now he’s showing me that he loves me but actually I already realized as the Lord as I was healing through this process that this person – what love really meant and the world has a view of what love means and then God has a view of what love means.
And so as I was healing through this process, the Lord showing me that love has no conditions. It’s unconditional, he died on the cross for us but the world sees at us, well you want love from me then you’re going to have to do something in return for me in order for me to love you, and that was a big eye opener for me. And when I grasped that going on – oh my gosh I’m actually loved by God to the point where this person needs to feel control over me for some reason and I’m not gong to tolerate it no more.
I’m loved by God and I’m a person that is worthy of love and so that was my breaking point. And it was my time to start healing and as I’m still on a healing process and I have to say within the last 6 months, I’ve learned to love myself, loved how God sees me – unconditionally love and be able to get rid of the mindset I was put on me for 18 years.
SHELLEY. That’s big.
PATTI. That is really big, it was – it’s been a struggle but I’m at a point now to where all that junk in the trunk is gone, I see myself as a new person. You know you don’t, you accept love from others and you accept love for yourself but you look at it differently, you looked at if you don’t love yourself first there’s no way that you can love another.
PATTI. And so that was a big turning point for me.
SHELLEY. Yeah, I just heard someone say I think it was my sister, I just heard her say today that you can’t give love if you know– its like you can’t give what you don’t have, it’s like I can’t give you a million-dollars because I don’t have (LOL).
PATTI. Right, right.
SHELLEY. And so if you don’t have that love and you’re not loving yourself it’s like how can you give it to others. So would you say the lowest point for you was when you’re laying on that floor like on your death bed, when your gall bladder burst, or was there another point that was your lowest point?
PATTI. I would say that was probably my lowest point, now granted I didn’t realize that that was going on and it seemed like the flu.
PATTI. So, I didn’t know I was dying those 4 days, I was actually dying, God kept me alive of those days’ coz’ once I got in the hospital things were getting worst and worst, I was in the ICU and they didn’t think that I was going to make it. I just was having complications after complications after the surgery, ended up getting a blood clot, ended up just one thing after the other started happening and it was by the grace of God that I have even survived.
SHELLEY. Yes. And you know he has a plan and a purpose for you and there’s a reason that you’re here and so I’m so thankful you’re here to share your story. And what would you say has been part of your turning point – you talked about it and you said you began to realized that God’s love was unconditional – people’s love can be conditional. What was it like in that turning point for you?
PATTI. You know it was realizing that I was actually worth something. Being left in a motel room at age 3 and being just discarded.
PATTI. And then going through your life feeling like that all your life and searching for that acceptance. You have this mindset already at such a young age and it just carries on with you and so not even realizing that you are going through everyday, wanting to be accepted, wanting to be love, wanting to feel worthy.
SHELLEY. Yes, and I think a lot of people can relate to that and you know I have felt that as well. You know the acceptance and not feeling good enough for so many different things. What would you say really has helped you this last few months come to really renew your mind? In a scripture is says to renew our mind with God’s truth and you said you’ve really had to overcome like 18 years of verbal abused and just the mindsets that come along with. What were some of the things that helped you in that?
PATTI. It was realizing that I basically put myself in the situation (LOL). You know we don’t all realize that we do those things and to realize that I have to forgive myself.
SHELLEY. Oh, there’s the key.
PATTI. I had to forgive myself, I had to learn to love myself and so once I began to do that the onion layers started coming off, one layer after the other so I had to learn to forgive myself and learn how to love myself for who God saw me. And then I was able to get rid of all those mindsets then God started working on those mindsets through the word of God and just pouring in to me, you know I’m wonderfully and beautifully made. Psalm 139:14 and that Joel 2:25 He says you know He’s going to return back what the locusts have stolen and restore us.
PATTI. And so giving that hope, that what has happened has just made me stronger and changed my mindset of who I am as a person and brought me to realized that we all worthy of love and we can’t – we need to see how God loves us versus how we portrait what love is.
SHELLEY. Yeah, I love that and I was researching the word beloved the other day in the new testament it actually the Greek definition is worthy of love – worthy of love and we are I mean its embedded in the bible, its embedded in scriptures that we are worthy of love we are His beloved and yet so often its hard to receive his love and its hard to accept love but it such a turning point when you can.
So if somebody has been in a situation where they’ve been in a really abusive situation where they are right now, do you have one piece of advise or encouragement to give them?
PATTI. Yes, if you are in a physical altercation relationship where its you being abuse physically which I’ve been there too, you need to get out. There’s help out there, there’s a 1-800 hotline and I’m sorry I can’t remember by the top of my head but its online. But reach out to somebody to get out of the situation, those that are in mental abuse relationships is just as worse but it’s a change of mindset and so you’ve got to come to terms with forgiving yourself and loving yourself.
So I just encourage to those people to – you know you’re not alone and your worthy of love and you can make it through because you feel so trap, you feel like you’re in your own prison and you can’t get out.
PATTI. Especially in your mind. I think Joyce Mayer has that book called Battlefield of the Mind and its so true, it’s so true.
SHELLEY. It’s a good book. Now I know that there’s someone that’s prey listening that’s resonated to your story or would love to get in contact with you more, how can they find you online?
SHELLEY. Yeah, and you know I definitely recommend connecting with Patti, just checking out what she has to offer, I know you have a book, podcast, you do speaking and so there’s so many ways and resources that she has that you can connect with her, so definitely check out pattipendleton.com. And you know in closing I just believe that your testimony, your story again is just another example of how God can turn our messes into masterpieces because he is now using you to minister to other people and to deliver His gospel to others and so thank you so much for sharing your story today.
PATTI. Thank you for having me.
SHELLEY. And I thank every single one of you that’s listening I just appreciate you joining us and if you are someone you know has a powerful story to share, I would love to feature you on this podcast. You can apply at shelleyhitz.com/story and I will see you next time. Bye!
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